Old Dreams

I had a dream last night.

 Someone that had once had all of me but gave it away came to me and begged forgiveness, made promises with grand gestures, and tried to reclaim my love. A long time ago that was something I imagined and longed for.  But in my dream, it was so strange to me how I felt absolutely nothing. 

There's a cliche quote that says, "you know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." And I can tell you how happy i was this morning to wake up to the life I have - to wake up to Robert, Milo, and the woman I am now. Isn't it incredible that things don't always work out the way we want? 

23

i turned 23 today.

when i was younger i would count down to my birthday all year long, but birthdays are different now. i find myself grasping to hold onto them but they keep slipping through my fingers.

if i could make today last forever, i would.  

i wrote this at a time that now feels like so long ago;

used to look at the clock like it held any sway,

as if the numbers would govern your day.

now you glance at the hands to beg them for more,

not wanting to tear yourself from the shores.

i guess i still feel like that sometimes, feel like time is running away with me.

 i woke up to milo poking at my eyelashes, he does that. i smiled, "good morning chubba," and i got that grin that sneaks up slowly around the corners of his mouth. robert, curled up on the other side of the bed, started to stretch out and reach for us and i just took it all in. our mornings are more or less the same every day (with the occasional diaper explosion), but today i really took it in. i never really noticed how the sun bursts into our bedroom windows, it's incredible. i never noticed how important playing footsie is to robert in the mornings, or how milo just wakes up every day ready to explore and learn something new.  i love it. i'm 23, i've made enough mistakes and wrong turns to appreciate the fact that i am in a really good place right now. i am living in a foreign country and learning to love a new culture, i am trying my hardest to raise a happy boy in a sad world, and i am hopelessly in love with an incredible man.  i take it for granted, i know i do.

i thought a life like this wouldn't happen for me, i guess i was afraid i wouldn't know what to do with it. but today i'm more grateful than ever that it has. i'm trying every day to deserve it, and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. so i love being 23.

Sirens

today was fun.

milo and i were eating cereal and watching a show in our undies this morning when all of the sudden a loud deep voice started speaking chinese in one of the back rooms.

a little bit terrifying because we were alone. so i started sneaking back there like the dumb girl in all those horror films who dies, only to find a speaker system in our bathroom that was playing a recording on repeat. when all of the sudden sirens started going off! and they wouldn't stop! so of course i grab milo, put some clothes on, save the oreos, and run outside. only to find i'm the only one out there. everybody else is going about their business while i just heard an alarm that sounded like world war three was happening. so i call robert while i'm walking over to the taiwanese security guard and hand him the phone. he proceeds to say something in chinese and starts laughing while he hands me back the phone. then calmly my husband tells me it's just a fire drill. i was not amused.  but i didn't want everyone in the complex to think i just ran outside for the fire drill, so milo and i went to the playground to kill a few minutes until it became unembarassing to walk back home.

it was nice outside, i think milo had fun.